Sweet Tooth

So I've successfully avoided food today except for one single, solitary cupcake. My brother brought 4 home and one of them in particularly was just staring me in the face, teasing me, calling itself to my tongue. So I ate it /:

I was planning on only eating half but then my brother came in the room and him watching me made me eat it all. I was supposed to go on a walk with my mom in the evening but she came home late and now it's too dark. So I guess I'll have to do a workout on my own before bed. I hate working out in my room. I'd much rather be outside with fresh air, having a conversation with my mom.

Ugh. I'm just frustrated now. I don't know why, I'm just really moody and I want to scream out or hit something.

Or eat something.

I'm not even hungry. I'm supposed to be working on J's birthday gift but I'm too agitated to do that now. Not to mention my nose is covered in blackheads and the fucking pore strips did nothing for me.

I looked in the mirror and my fat gut is protruding again. My thighs are fucking whale city and my ass has gotten so fat and lardy. I really, really hate myself sometimes.

Sorry, I should stop writing before this gets too annoying.

Control

So, today kind of sucked food-wise, but I don't feel guilty about it for once. I think it's because I didn't eat out fo some lack of control; I ate because I chose to. In a non-negative way. I didn't eat all day because I knew I was going out with my mom and figured we'd stop somewhere for a bite to eat, but my brother ended up tagging along so it became more of a sit-down meal. I really love going out with the two of them because they're both so easy-going and truly bring out the best in me. Unfortunately, both of them have noticed that I haven't been eating, so I decided to take it upon myself to prove to them I'm not...being deliberate about it? I'm not sure. Anyway, I split a thin crust pizza and dessert with my brother and we each had a beer. It was a very casual affair and really fun. I admit, I did consider excusing myself to purge but decided against it. I felt it'd be a hidden slap in the face to my mom who works so hard. So I didn't. We shopped afterward and now I'm at home with a mug of green tea. I bought a lot of new jewellery thanks to a gift card. So, all in all, a good day.

Update

Well, there goes my relatively "good" day. I was in the process of making myself an actual meal because I thought I deserved and could handle it. Just a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. As I was making it, though, my brother said he was going to Jack in the Box and if I wanted anything. Usually I just say no (like earlier today when he went to Subway), but I felt bad because he's always trying to do nice things for me. Also, he's the most observant of my eating habits and tells my mom when he thinks I'm not eating enough or put myself on a diet or something. So I just said yes. After he left, I sat there staring at the sandwich. I was actually pretty hungry so I took a bite. I ended up eating half of it before stopping myself and throwing the rest away. I fought the urge to purge and sat on the couch with my hands under my legs. I watched tv and when he came back and placed the food in front of me, I ate. I told myself I wouldn't eat it all because then I'd definitely have to purge. I could eat a couple nuggets, a couple fries. Eventually I gave in and ate almost all of it. I sat there for a minute, chugged a bottle of diet green tea, and ran to the bathroom.

Out it came. I tried to be as quiet as I could. I'm so used to being alone during these moments but this time I had to be conscious of how loud my gagging could get. It wasn't so hard. I prayed he wouldn't be on the other side of the door when I came out. He wasn't. Hadn't left his room. I washed up a bit and now here I am. My stomach feels upset. I keep spitting up bile. I can't fight the guilt of knowing that some calories passed through, no matter what I did. I feel horrible and my mouth tastes like vomit. I can smell it on me. I disgust myself. I am subhuman; pathetic.

I am going to sleep.

Drained

I've felt so sluggish today. I had planned on cleaning my room but all I could do was sleep. Someone ate that salad before I could get to to it so I had a small bowl of cereal and almond milk. A handful of goldfish. I haven't really had an appetite today, anyway. I had a really weird dream last night. It was kind of graphic and violent and might be a little too strange for me to post here, even if no one reads this.

117 this morning.
 
Maybe my exhaustion is caused by me listening to too many chopped and screwed mixes, ha.
Here's one I keep putting on repeat:

Oops

Ha, ok I realize now my last post was bit, er... dramatic. I've definitely cooled down a lot since then. Also have not eaten much since then, so...

Well, update time. Yesterday I did end up going to that dinner, which was at 7, and I ate nothing the entire day. We had korean bbq and shared between 5 girls, so it wasn't really like anyone could fully stuff their face, anyway. I probably had about 5 shrimps and a small amount of beef. I drank A LOT of beer though. The waiter kept bringing huge bottles out for free because of the "new year". Sure, 5 cute girls had nothing to do with it.
OH! I got to wear the outfit I wanted and it looked REALLY GOOD! I haven't worn my riding pants in months, mostly because they're a medium and still fit tight and that made me feel like shit. But I put them on so easily yesterday and they were even slightly baggy around my hips!
Anyway, we ended up going to a small bar in Koreatown where J and his friends met up with us. Drank some more and went home where I just barely made it to the bathroom and threw up. Some food came up with it, which surprised me because it had been about an hour since we'd finished dinner.

I woke up hungover today and grabbed an apple. Then I had a bowl of tortilla soup and a couple handfuls of goldfish and that was it. Drank a lot of green tea.

It's funny, I was so angry the night before last and was CONVINCED I'd gained about 10 pounds, but when I weighed myself yesterday, I was still at 118. Which was a huge relief. It'll probably be lower tomorrow morning since I haven't consumed much. Although I just now snuck some more goldfish... Obviously I'm not gonna gain from that, but I still feel guilty.

I beginning to like looking in the mirror a little more. I still see problem areas, but it's such an improvement. I'd post pictures, but I'm in a thong and don't really want my buttcheeks on here :) Maybe tomorrow if I'm still in as good of a mood.

Stomachache

Ok, today was a good day, but foodwise it was HORRIBLE. I have the worst stomachache right now because not only did I have ice cream, but I had pizza (CHEESE) and A LOT of it. I also drank way too much beer, not to the pont where I'm drunk but enough to where I feel bloated beyond belief. I had a HUGE bowl of tonkotsu ramen in the afternoon, which if anyone doesn't know, is basically boiled pork fat. But it's SO GOOD. I'm really angry at myself, especially after seeing one of my pledges from college post a picture of herself wearing short shorts in her 5'9", 90 pound ass.

WHY. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Knowing full well that I'd end up fucking hating myself the second I came home. Especially since the jacket I've been waiting for came in the mail today and the arms are the slightest bit too tight. I was planning on wearing it with my riding pants but only AFTER I got my thigh gap. Which I assumed would happen by the end of this weekend, but not after today! Oh no.

And tomorrow I'm supposed to meet some friends I haven't seen in months for dinner. Well I can play off not eating until dinner, because I want to save my appetite. But how am I gonna sit through a meal I've been planning for days and not eat?? I can blame it on being sick but I don't know if I can control myself. I thought I could today, but apparently not. Ugh, my stomach is gurgling. I want to be 99 pounds, dammit! Is that so much to ask?? I don't care about maintaining my relationships or finding a job, so long as I'm 99 pounds!! Is that sick of me? I don't care.

I want to wear this jacket and look like the skinniest girl in the room. I want to throw up everything I've eaten today but it's too late for that. I want this stomachache to go away and let me fall asleep.

I'm angry and disappointed and feeling really self-destructive right now.

Someone, anyone, PLEASE tell me you've had days as bad as this and still moved forward and progressed and felt better about yourself??? Because I'm finding it really hard to be hopeful.

I guess I should stop writing. Hopefully When I post again tomorrow night my stomach will be 10000000000% EMPTY.

Brunch

I did really well this weekend/week. I was worried about New Year's Eve because I promised my friend we'd do dinner, but instead we went out for lunch. We shared a punch bowl of alcohol and a sandwich. Didn't even finish the fries between us. Afterwards, we decided we'd rather drink than eat. Something about liquid calories that makes me feel less guilty; well, as long as I'm not consuming solid food with it. So I felt good about that and the next day all restaurants were closed so I just had a small bowl of soup at home. Yesterday I had soup again and that was my only meal of the day. I really wanted to weigh myself this morning because I'm almost positive I dropped down to 117, but it was way too cold to strip down and I refuse to weigh myself with clothes on. My cousin picked me up and we went out for brunch. I told myself that since I'd done so well this week I wouldn't feel guilty about whatever I got, so I had eggs benedict and a hot chocolate.

Well, that was stupid of me. OF COURSE I was going to feel guilty! But I haven't had anything else and the cream in the hollandaise sauce sort of kicked my lactose intolerance into gear (sorry) so I guess that made me feel the slightest bit better. I hurt my knee on NYE so I haven't exercised since last time I posted, but I'm going to today. I've been walking a lot, including today, but exercising makes me feel a lot better.

If I wake up tomorrow at 117 I'll be SOOO HAPPY! And if not, I WON'T eat anything. Which might be difficult because I'm hanging out with my bf all day, but I'll come up with something. I really want to just keep losing, it feels so damn good.