I woke up today with the taste of blood at the back of my throat. I went to rinse my mouth out and it had a slight red tint to it.. I'm not too worried because I had some lukewarm water and felt better.
I went out with my mom and had a bowl of soup. We stopped at a bakery and I had 2 peanut butter cookies. I also drank a bit of orange juice. We're going on a mile walk later and I plan on exercising tonight. I was 118 this morning. I was happy.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Changes
I'm almost tempted to delete my earlier posts because my feelings have changed so much, but I think it's important to keep some kind of record of my temperaments. I don't know.
Maybe it was the seperation and self-isolation that made me feel that way. Either way, he's back now and I'm really glad he is. I forgot how stable I feel when I'm around him. It's saddening being around him because of how harsh my thoughts have been towards him and it's hard for me to forgive myself for that. I feel terrible. All he's ever wanted is to make me happy and make me feel special. I wish I could do the same for him, because he deserves it more than I do. I'm going to try, though. I'm going to put as much energy into this as I can. He has become a really integral part of my being that is hard to ignore and that would take something very...significant for me to remove. I'm not even sure what. If he cheated on me I guess.
I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just how I feel NOW. And as long as he didn't sense the way I felt before, I guess it doesn't really matter. Only J knows, but she understands... and moves past. I'll have to talk with her about it soon, though, and assure her my feelings have changed. Just in case something slips, or maybe she thinks me a hypocrite. What does it matter.
Anyway, I've finally broken 120. I was really happy when it happened, it's been so long since I've been under that stupid number. I was looking at some measurements I wrote down around the beginning of summer and I've actually shrunk quite a bit! It took a while, but once I disciplined myself it was easy..ish.
3.5 inches were lost from my upper waist
5.5 inches from my lower waistt
2 inches from my thighs
3.5 from my hips
and half an inch around my upper arms
It's progress, and it's very encouraging to see it on a long-term scale like that, rather than half an inch in 2 weeks or something.
I actually woke up with a sore throat this morning so that was a good excuse to consume only mass amounts of tea and a small bowl of soup. I admit I binged on a bagel and toast with Nutella about an hour ago, but that's been taken care of. So hopefully tomorrow is just as good. I'm still exercising tonight, or as much as I can. Maybe by Monday I'll have the coveted gap!! It's so close.
Until then, here are some pictures:
Maybe it was the seperation and self-isolation that made me feel that way. Either way, he's back now and I'm really glad he is. I forgot how stable I feel when I'm around him. It's saddening being around him because of how harsh my thoughts have been towards him and it's hard for me to forgive myself for that. I feel terrible. All he's ever wanted is to make me happy and make me feel special. I wish I could do the same for him, because he deserves it more than I do. I'm going to try, though. I'm going to put as much energy into this as I can. He has become a really integral part of my being that is hard to ignore and that would take something very...significant for me to remove. I'm not even sure what. If he cheated on me I guess.
I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just how I feel NOW. And as long as he didn't sense the way I felt before, I guess it doesn't really matter. Only J knows, but she understands... and moves past. I'll have to talk with her about it soon, though, and assure her my feelings have changed. Just in case something slips, or maybe she thinks me a hypocrite. What does it matter.
Anyway, I've finally broken 120. I was really happy when it happened, it's been so long since I've been under that stupid number. I was looking at some measurements I wrote down around the beginning of summer and I've actually shrunk quite a bit! It took a while, but once I disciplined myself it was easy..ish.
3.5 inches were lost from my upper waist
5.5 inches from my lower waistt
2 inches from my thighs
3.5 from my hips
and half an inch around my upper arms
It's progress, and it's very encouraging to see it on a long-term scale like that, rather than half an inch in 2 weeks or something.
I actually woke up with a sore throat this morning so that was a good excuse to consume only mass amounts of tea and a small bowl of soup. I admit I binged on a bagel and toast with Nutella about an hour ago, but that's been taken care of. So hopefully tomorrow is just as good. I'm still exercising tonight, or as much as I can. Maybe by Monday I'll have the coveted gap!! It's so close.
Until then, here are some pictures:
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Angry... again.
I feel horrible right now. I feel fucking HUGE. This past week, I was doing so well (wasn't I?). I ate so much this weekend. I went out for lunch with a friend yesterday and ate a bratwurst and fries. Today I had a full carne asada meal and leftover Thai for dinner. Also about three chocolates throughout the day. Well, I stepped on the scale tonight. I don't know what I was expecting. I'd gained a pound.
A POUND.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but it makes me feel ENORMOUS. And angry. Why can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Why can't I stop myself from gorging on food? Why can't my gut just deflate itself, my thighs shrink, my chin fat melt away... I feel so ugly. I wish I could grab a cleaver and chop off my disgusting, round, mushy, dimpled love handles. I want to die.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE SMALL AND BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT??
I'm sticking a paper bag over my head and never going back outside.
A POUND.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but it makes me feel ENORMOUS. And angry. Why can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Why can't I stop myself from gorging on food? Why can't my gut just deflate itself, my thighs shrink, my chin fat melt away... I feel so ugly. I wish I could grab a cleaver and chop off my disgusting, round, mushy, dimpled love handles. I want to die.
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE SMALL AND BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT??
I'm sticking a paper bag over my head and never going back outside.
Monday, December 17, 2012
120
Finally got a new scale that WORKS this time. Stripped down and weighed myself today: 120. I'm actually kind of pleased, I thought it'd be around the 130 mark. So 30 pounds to lose instead of 40. Feeling better about myself. I b/p'd twice today. Actually, the first wasn't really much of a binge or purge, just a little something to get rid of the urge to do so on a larger scale. Evening was more successful.
Also, I've decided to wait until after the holidays for the break-up. Sometime in early or mid-January. Mostly because I'm too much of a spineless cretin to do it right now, but so it goes. Feeling a bit better about that whole situation these days, too. I've been giving him the cold shoulder recently so it isn't so much of a blow; if anything, it might even be expected. That'd be nice.
Spent my entire day watching 7th Heaven. What family on Earth is like that?? Bizarre.
It's nice to know in about a month or so I'll be relatively stress-free. I can hardly wait.
Also, I've decided to wait until after the holidays for the break-up. Sometime in early or mid-January. Mostly because I'm too much of a spineless cretin to do it right now, but so it goes. Feeling a bit better about that whole situation these days, too. I've been giving him the cold shoulder recently so it isn't so much of a blow; if anything, it might even be expected. That'd be nice.
Spent my entire day watching 7th Heaven. What family on Earth is like that?? Bizarre.
It's nice to know in about a month or so I'll be relatively stress-free. I can hardly wait.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hannukah
Finally got the scale open. I was too scared to weigh myself so I made my mom go first since she'd weighed herself that morning at work and already knew the number. But the scale was way off and said she was nearly 20 pounds less than what she really is. I hopped on and was elated to see the double digit number it showed, but disappointed when I remembered the scale was faulty /: We're going back to exchange it tomorrow.
In other news, today (up until the Hanukkah dinner) was really, really great. One of the best days I've had in a very long time. There was a huge sample sale downtown and I went with a friend. I bought the loveliest set of rose gold above-the-knuckle rings, a new iPhone case from DimePiece, the most amazing pair of dark round sunglasses, a sheer button-up with leather collar and gold tips, and more bits and bobs I can't even remember. We just walked around looking at clothes all day and then we went to Melrose to pick up some pillows she'd ordered and then to exchange some jeans at AA. A simple day, but just so fun! It made me realize how much happier I am and how much more MYSELF I am around good friends and close family.
Well, that brings me to the latter part of my day. Yes, I did come up with an excuse to get myself out of spending the night. I hung around for a bit then pulled him aside and told him I needed to go home after dinner because... I GOT MY PERIOD. Obviously, that put the absolute fear of god in him and he immediately agreed to take me home.
I had a couple thin slices of tri-tip and a small piece of salmon. Some salad and a couple latkes with applesauce. His mother served tarte tartin (is that what it's called?) for dessert and I had a small piece with a cup of coffee. I didn't feel too guilty as that's all I'd eaten today. Menstrual cramps usually make me lose my appetite, which I'm grateful for. The evening went all right, but I just felt so out of place. Not because I'm not Jewish, or not part of the family, but I just felt like a personality that didn't really belong. His mother makes me uncomfortable, almost guilty. His father is alright, and his brother is sweet. I like his aunt and grandfather. I'm still unsure about the grandmother. Regardless, I just don't find myself excited for any of these family dinners of his. On the way home, he told me I needed to sleep over sometime this week. Yeah, we'll see about that.
My only concern now is if I should wait to break up with him after the holidays, or just stop putting it off and do it before Christmas (which neither of celebrate, but it's still a very... family-oriented time??). Can anyone out there offer any advice?
In other news, today (up until the Hanukkah dinner) was really, really great. One of the best days I've had in a very long time. There was a huge sample sale downtown and I went with a friend. I bought the loveliest set of rose gold above-the-knuckle rings, a new iPhone case from DimePiece, the most amazing pair of dark round sunglasses, a sheer button-up with leather collar and gold tips, and more bits and bobs I can't even remember. We just walked around looking at clothes all day and then we went to Melrose to pick up some pillows she'd ordered and then to exchange some jeans at AA. A simple day, but just so fun! It made me realize how much happier I am and how much more MYSELF I am around good friends and close family.
Well, that brings me to the latter part of my day. Yes, I did come up with an excuse to get myself out of spending the night. I hung around for a bit then pulled him aside and told him I needed to go home after dinner because... I GOT MY PERIOD. Obviously, that put the absolute fear of god in him and he immediately agreed to take me home.
I had a couple thin slices of tri-tip and a small piece of salmon. Some salad and a couple latkes with applesauce. His mother served tarte tartin (is that what it's called?) for dessert and I had a small piece with a cup of coffee. I didn't feel too guilty as that's all I'd eaten today. Menstrual cramps usually make me lose my appetite, which I'm grateful for. The evening went all right, but I just felt so out of place. Not because I'm not Jewish, or not part of the family, but I just felt like a personality that didn't really belong. His mother makes me uncomfortable, almost guilty. His father is alright, and his brother is sweet. I like his aunt and grandfather. I'm still unsure about the grandmother. Regardless, I just don't find myself excited for any of these family dinners of his. On the way home, he told me I needed to sleep over sometime this week. Yeah, we'll see about that.
My only concern now is if I should wait to break up with him after the holidays, or just stop putting it off and do it before Christmas (which neither of celebrate, but it's still a very... family-oriented time??). Can anyone out there offer any advice?
Friday, December 14, 2012
Purged again today. Stayed in bed, then went to the bakery in the evening to get french bread for the dinner my mother was making. Ate half of one. Bought a piece of cake and nibbled at it. Who am I kidding, more than nibbled. Agreed to spend the night at his house tomorrow. Currently racking my brain for any excuse to get out of it.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Better Days
Well, today was exponentially better than yesterday. The last half, at least. I started my day off with a really horrible leftovers binge and guiltily purged it all. I was exhausted afterwards so I relaxed in bed with music and tea. My mom came home from work early so we went to the mall & I bought two new candles, one of which is a eucalyptus & spearmint scent that's burning right now and really relaxing me. I successfully avoided him again today. Tomorrow might be a little harder, but I already committed to going to his family dinner Saturday so I'll see him eventually. I still haven't opened the scale, but that's alright I guess. I had soup for dinner, mostly broth and vegetables again. I just feel more at peace today. That's all.
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