So it goes.

Hello, there. Been a while.

Well, weight-wise, things have been progressing really well. I'm down to 115 and feeling better. Sticking to about a meal a day and calorie-free drinks only. That app I mentioned has actually really helped me with my binges. I've only had one since I downloaded it. I guess it has a lot to do with shame which probably isn't healthy either, but whatever.

In other aspects of my life, things are slowly falling apart. J has been offered two jobs and now the pressure's on me to get my ass into gear. He wants to get an apartment together within a year but I need to find work and I really need to get my license. It'd make things so much easier. I sort of neglected a close friend this weekend and we haven't talked much since then. I feel like she's the closest girl friend I have and now I'm distancing myself from her. I hate how I do that. My dad hasn't spoken to me all day for whatever reason and my poor mother is trying so hard to be a medium between us. But nothing will work. It seems the only thing I can control these days is my weight. That's why I absolutely HAVE to reach my goal weight. It'll be such an accomplishment. I haven't accomplished anything in so long. I feel like such a waste of space sometimes.

But if I'm skinny I won't waste so much of it. I'll just take up a little sliver of this universe.

Back

Haven't been on here in a few days. I think the last half of this past week I was just too exhausted by my anxiety and destructive thoughts that I needed to take a break. I tried to be healthy. I ate well-balanced meals throughout the day, but no matter how much green was on the plate I still felt annoyingly guilty.

I downloaded a new iPhone app; it's called The Eatery. Basically, you photograph every meal you eat and others will rate it on a scale of "fit" to "fat". It's sort of dumb, but what it does achieve is to make me feel either empowered or ashamed by my choices. I'll photograph a bagel and it'll get 14 "fat" ratings before I can take a bite...so I don't. Like I said, stupid. But somehow I see it as helpful.

I made fish tacos today. Ate two. Got a tall mocha lite frap at Starbucks. Had about 4 sips and gave the rest to my brother. Not eating anymore. I never want to eat again, but I always say that.

I wore my middle school jeans today. Still felt fat.

Failure

I'm so disappointed over the past two days. Yesterday I went to J's house and he got a gift card for a vegan cafe that we went to for lunch. I suppose the lunch wasn't so terrible and later on I had some salad at his place with no dressing. But then we visited a friend after dinner and I drank beer (of course) and ate a personal pizza and a pig in a blanket. Then today I decided to fast but got really hungry around noon (of course) and had a plate of chicken and rice. As if that wasn't enough, I ended up finishing off the rice later in the evening. I finished the last quarter of a bag of goldfish and ate about 10-12 butter crackers with cheese and turkey. I was going to purge but I really am just not in the mood. I was going to exercise but am not in the mood for that either (of course). I went on a walk earlier but that probably cancelled out, what, one cracker?? I'm such a failure. I thought this year was going to be different. Obviously not. Still just as fat as ever.

I want to fast all day tomorrow but my mom is making dinner for once and she always expects me to eat it. I'll try not to. But it'll be a waste anyway because the weekend is coming up and I always eat/drink WAY too much.

Why is it so hard to discipline myself? To gain control over my fucking appetite? I mean, it should be simple enough. Millions of others have learned to control their appetite, why can't I? I can't even look at a picture of a skinny girl right now or I'll burst into tears. That's why I'm blogging and watching King of the Hill, lol.

I don't know. I can't even say I'm angry, just really disappointed. I thought things were going to change. J has a show Friday night (which I'd probably drink at because those things are always awkward for me) and I promised  my friend I'd sleep over, but she wants to order pizza. I want to come up with some excuse that'll get me out of both things. But even if I spent my entire weekend at home, my mom is always ordering fattening fried foods and expecting me to eat it. And if I don't SOMEONE in the house will notice and complain about it.

I wish I could be left completely alone to starve. That's kind of a bratty thing to say, probably, but I don't care.

Monday Monday

What a waste of a day. It was so cold and I had no energy to do anything. I made dinner for my family (tilapia and rice) and ended up eating a plate myself /:

Not much to report. I still feel huge as always.

Weekend Recap

I had a really great weekend. Friday, J had a birthday dinner with all his friends. We went to this Indian/American/Mexican fusion place in Silverlake where I split an order of fries with a friend. I got really drunk that night but drank a lot of water too so I wasn't hungover the next day. I spent the night at his house and on Saturday, we went out for sandwiches for lunch. I got a half sandwich and only ate half of that and afterwards we went on a hike in Runyon Canyon in Hollywood. I haven't hiked in months so that felt really, really good. I did realize how out of shape I am because weren't even 10 minutes in and I was already panting. The view alone was worth it, though.

In the evening we went out for Japanese with his whole family. It was a tapas sort of place so I was able to nibble on a few of the plates that came out without making it obvious how little I was actually eating. It was a fun dinner, and he absolutely loved his gift. Later, we went to a seedy little bar in the Westwood area that was playing vintage burlesque on loop through a projector. I didn't even have the energy to finish one beer; I was so exhausted. I came home and passed out.

Today my parents had some friends over for a luncheon which I slept through. I ate a bit of ceviche but my brother said he'd bring me In-n-Out after work. I still haven't decided whether or not I should purge tonight. I guess it depends if I feel bloated or not. Haven't weighed myself yet, probably won't until later this week. That's all for this weekend! How was yours?

EDIT: Also, I wanted to link you all to my tumblr! It's not my personal one, just my inspirational one. Mostly models. Hope you enjoy!

external-anatomy.tumblr.com

Quiet Day

I've been working on J's birthday present all day. I'm sort of excited to give it to him, but a little embarrassed as well. Definitely not giving it to him during the family dinner; his grandparents will probably pull out another $5000 check right after me. It's simple, really homely, but I've been working on it all week so hopefully he'll like it.

Anyway, I watched a couple films while I was drawing. Black Swan and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I've already seen them multiple times, but I love rewatching them because the actresses are so skinny and beautiful. Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, and Rooney Mara were all under 100 pounds for filming and are all around my height. That's so encouraging and inspirational. They all look lovely.

I had half a leftover cupcake this morning and green tea throughout the day. I'm supposed to meet a friend tomorrow for dinner and drinks, so I suppose I won't eat til then. On Saturday, I'm having dinner with J and his family at a Japanese restaurant, which is really quite a relief. Japanese food is so light and carb-free. I'll probably take him out for lunch earlier in the day, but that doesn't mean I have to eat.

I haven't weighed myself all week, but I think I will tomorrow morning. Maybe tonight, if I can gather the courage. I'm terrified of the number, but am dying to know what it is.

Well, that's all for today.

Sweet Tooth

So I've successfully avoided food today except for one single, solitary cupcake. My brother brought 4 home and one of them in particularly was just staring me in the face, teasing me, calling itself to my tongue. So I ate it /:

I was planning on only eating half but then my brother came in the room and him watching me made me eat it all. I was supposed to go on a walk with my mom in the evening but she came home late and now it's too dark. So I guess I'll have to do a workout on my own before bed. I hate working out in my room. I'd much rather be outside with fresh air, having a conversation with my mom.

Ugh. I'm just frustrated now. I don't know why, I'm just really moody and I want to scream out or hit something.

Or eat something.

I'm not even hungry. I'm supposed to be working on J's birthday gift but I'm too agitated to do that now. Not to mention my nose is covered in blackheads and the fucking pore strips did nothing for me.

I looked in the mirror and my fat gut is protruding again. My thighs are fucking whale city and my ass has gotten so fat and lardy. I really, really hate myself sometimes.

Sorry, I should stop writing before this gets too annoying.