Anxiety

Do any of you suffer from anxiety? I tend to spend most of my days dealing with pretty severe anxiety. I worry about everything and overanalyze the simplest things. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack this evening. I don't want to go into details because it makes me nauseous thinking about it. But I basically got into an argument with my boyfriend. This happens every few months it feels. We'll be doing really well and then we have one bad day and I blow everything out of proportion and make things 10x worse. Not to mention I'd already argues with my mom earlier in the day so I was already feeling pretty shit. Unfortunately when I got the attack I wasn't at home so I had to rush into a restroom where I sat on the floor and sobbed. I felt like I was suffocating and ended up throwing up. That was a few hours ago and since then he and I have made up. It wasn't even a big deal but I can't handle confrontation at all. I can't deal with anyone criticizing me because I was never really disciplined as a child and I take everything as a personal attack against me. I really need to fucking grow up.

I feel a lot better right now, still a little shaky but I'm okay.

How do you deal with anxiety? I haven't found any consistently successful way of dealing with it and I hate when it escalates into an attack like today. It makes me feel so pathetic.

Hello everybody! I feel bad about not having posted this week. Thanks for all the comments on my last post, though! They were very helpful for me to read.

Well, you guys were right. Given time, my problems figured themselves out for the most part. I guess I was a little vague when I talked about how I neglected my friend. Basically we were supposed to hang out last weekend but I had other things going on and sort of left her hanging. It was stupid of me really, considering she's one of my closest (and only) friends. Well we didn't speak much in the beginning of the week and I suspect she was annoyed at me, rightly so. I called her in the middle of the week and we talked about it and I apologized. I still haven't seen her, but we're planning on having dinner next weekend. I guess things are mostly patched up, but we'll see when we actually hang out.

Things with my dad have gotten a bit better also. He never really explained why he was angry at me or why he gave me the silent treatment. But I suppose we're similar in that way. Neither of us can handle confrontation so we just sort of let our problems sit there and stew. Eventually they simmer down and aren't exactly forgotten, but put on the backburner. Like my use of analogy? Things are okay between us right now. They're never really outstanding though, so I'm not expecting much.

Other than that, everything else is more or less the same. I finally saw Django tonight with an old friend who just returned from a 2 month stay in India. We went out to eat before and I ordered a club sandwich. I removed the bread and the bacon and some of the turkey. I ate two pieces and gave her my fries. She's used to my eating habits, though, so she didn't say anything. Which I appreciate.

So that about sums up my week. I hope to continue posting more frequently this week. I love reading all your blogs and I'm trying to make an effort to comment on them more. But rest assured I do read them all the time! You all seem like such lovely girls :)

So it goes.

Hello, there. Been a while.

Well, weight-wise, things have been progressing really well. I'm down to 115 and feeling better. Sticking to about a meal a day and calorie-free drinks only. That app I mentioned has actually really helped me with my binges. I've only had one since I downloaded it. I guess it has a lot to do with shame which probably isn't healthy either, but whatever.

In other aspects of my life, things are slowly falling apart. J has been offered two jobs and now the pressure's on me to get my ass into gear. He wants to get an apartment together within a year but I need to find work and I really need to get my license. It'd make things so much easier. I sort of neglected a close friend this weekend and we haven't talked much since then. I feel like she's the closest girl friend I have and now I'm distancing myself from her. I hate how I do that. My dad hasn't spoken to me all day for whatever reason and my poor mother is trying so hard to be a medium between us. But nothing will work. It seems the only thing I can control these days is my weight. That's why I absolutely HAVE to reach my goal weight. It'll be such an accomplishment. I haven't accomplished anything in so long. I feel like such a waste of space sometimes.

But if I'm skinny I won't waste so much of it. I'll just take up a little sliver of this universe.

Back

Haven't been on here in a few days. I think the last half of this past week I was just too exhausted by my anxiety and destructive thoughts that I needed to take a break. I tried to be healthy. I ate well-balanced meals throughout the day, but no matter how much green was on the plate I still felt annoyingly guilty.

I downloaded a new iPhone app; it's called The Eatery. Basically, you photograph every meal you eat and others will rate it on a scale of "fit" to "fat". It's sort of dumb, but what it does achieve is to make me feel either empowered or ashamed by my choices. I'll photograph a bagel and it'll get 14 "fat" ratings before I can take a bite...so I don't. Like I said, stupid. But somehow I see it as helpful.

I made fish tacos today. Ate two. Got a tall mocha lite frap at Starbucks. Had about 4 sips and gave the rest to my brother. Not eating anymore. I never want to eat again, but I always say that.

I wore my middle school jeans today. Still felt fat.

Failure

I'm so disappointed over the past two days. Yesterday I went to J's house and he got a gift card for a vegan cafe that we went to for lunch. I suppose the lunch wasn't so terrible and later on I had some salad at his place with no dressing. But then we visited a friend after dinner and I drank beer (of course) and ate a personal pizza and a pig in a blanket. Then today I decided to fast but got really hungry around noon (of course) and had a plate of chicken and rice. As if that wasn't enough, I ended up finishing off the rice later in the evening. I finished the last quarter of a bag of goldfish and ate about 10-12 butter crackers with cheese and turkey. I was going to purge but I really am just not in the mood. I was going to exercise but am not in the mood for that either (of course). I went on a walk earlier but that probably cancelled out, what, one cracker?? I'm such a failure. I thought this year was going to be different. Obviously not. Still just as fat as ever.

I want to fast all day tomorrow but my mom is making dinner for once and she always expects me to eat it. I'll try not to. But it'll be a waste anyway because the weekend is coming up and I always eat/drink WAY too much.

Why is it so hard to discipline myself? To gain control over my fucking appetite? I mean, it should be simple enough. Millions of others have learned to control their appetite, why can't I? I can't even look at a picture of a skinny girl right now or I'll burst into tears. That's why I'm blogging and watching King of the Hill, lol.

I don't know. I can't even say I'm angry, just really disappointed. I thought things were going to change. J has a show Friday night (which I'd probably drink at because those things are always awkward for me) and I promised  my friend I'd sleep over, but she wants to order pizza. I want to come up with some excuse that'll get me out of both things. But even if I spent my entire weekend at home, my mom is always ordering fattening fried foods and expecting me to eat it. And if I don't SOMEONE in the house will notice and complain about it.

I wish I could be left completely alone to starve. That's kind of a bratty thing to say, probably, but I don't care.

Monday Monday

What a waste of a day. It was so cold and I had no energy to do anything. I made dinner for my family (tilapia and rice) and ended up eating a plate myself /:

Not much to report. I still feel huge as always.

Weekend Recap

I had a really great weekend. Friday, J had a birthday dinner with all his friends. We went to this Indian/American/Mexican fusion place in Silverlake where I split an order of fries with a friend. I got really drunk that night but drank a lot of water too so I wasn't hungover the next day. I spent the night at his house and on Saturday, we went out for sandwiches for lunch. I got a half sandwich and only ate half of that and afterwards we went on a hike in Runyon Canyon in Hollywood. I haven't hiked in months so that felt really, really good. I did realize how out of shape I am because weren't even 10 minutes in and I was already panting. The view alone was worth it, though.

In the evening we went out for Japanese with his whole family. It was a tapas sort of place so I was able to nibble on a few of the plates that came out without making it obvious how little I was actually eating. It was a fun dinner, and he absolutely loved his gift. Later, we went to a seedy little bar in the Westwood area that was playing vintage burlesque on loop through a projector. I didn't even have the energy to finish one beer; I was so exhausted. I came home and passed out.

Today my parents had some friends over for a luncheon which I slept through. I ate a bit of ceviche but my brother said he'd bring me In-n-Out after work. I still haven't decided whether or not I should purge tonight. I guess it depends if I feel bloated or not. Haven't weighed myself yet, probably won't until later this week. That's all for this weekend! How was yours?

EDIT: Also, I wanted to link you all to my tumblr! It's not my personal one, just my inspirational one. Mostly models. Hope you enjoy!

external-anatomy.tumblr.com