Wow, it's been quite a while since I signed back into this. I think for a while there, I recognized how unhealthy I was getting and resigned myself to getting fit the "right" way. I signed up for pilates & spin classes, ate 2-3 healthy meals a day, went for occasional runs, etc. I got a new job that gave me lots of hours and paid well. I went shopping guilt-free and bought things that fit and flattered me well. It seemed to be going really well for a while.
Then my job became a nightmare, I was stress eating, I didn't have time to work out anymore, I was anxious ALL the time (on the verge of tears at least once a day) and it began to affect my relationships. I became withdrawn and snappy, convinced that no one knew what I was going through and refusing to reach out for help form anyone.
Eventually, I quit my job. Even though the cash flow stopped, I do not regret that decision. That place was affecting me negatively on so many levels. I thought this would make things start picking up again, but it's not until now, almost a month and a half later, that I'm FINALLY seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. I'm flat broke and still dealing with a lot of eating issues, but I'm not as stressed, I have a new (part-time) job that I actually really enjoy, and I'm making more time to spend with friends and family.
This morning, a good friend of mine posted a status on Facebook about paying off all her college debt. I'll admit, when I read that, instead of feeling happy or proud of her... I felt resentful and angry at myself. I thought, "That's not fair! Her mom got her a job right out of school that pays a lot of money!" Then I took a step back and thought, "No, she worked a lot of jobs and internships prior to earn that position." Truth is, she didn't take out as many loans as I did, so of course it's going to take me more time to pay it off. I wasn't looking at the big picture. I am really proud of her, and she deserves the best because she works her ass off every day. Maybe my part-time job won't get me to that point any time soon, but if I work hard enough, eventually I'll reach it. I'm so incredibly luckily to have parents that are willing to assist me financially whenever I need it. I'm not alone and I have no reason to feel ashamed.
That last statement is a little weird for me to say, because in other aspects of my life, I still feel so helpless. I can't bear to look at myself naked because I still hate what I see. My clothes fit me perfectly fine and they're all smalls, but it's still not good enough for me. I can't help that I want everything to hang off me like a coat rack. I purged for the first time in months this week and it felt so... liberating. But it's just a trap. I'm scared to go back to old habits but at the same time it seems so comforting. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now and I'm so terrified of choosing the most familiar path and just as equally terrified to choose the other. I can't explain why I'm so obsessed with being thin, it just is. I talk about being brave and smart, but I know that I've already made up mind.
