Back Again

Wow, it's been quite a while since I signed back into this. I think for a while there, I recognized how unhealthy I was getting and resigned myself to getting fit the "right" way. I signed up for pilates & spin classes, ate 2-3 healthy meals a day, went for occasional runs, etc. I got a new job that gave me lots of hours and paid well. I went shopping guilt-free and bought things that fit and flattered me well. It seemed to be going really well for a while.

Then my job became a nightmare, I was stress eating, I didn't have time to work out anymore, I was anxious ALL the time (on the verge of tears at least once a day) and it began to affect my relationships. I became withdrawn and snappy, convinced that no one knew what I was going through and refusing to reach out for help form anyone.

Eventually, I quit my job. Even though the cash flow stopped, I do not regret that decision. That place was affecting me negatively on so many levels. I thought this would make things start picking up again, but it's not until now, almost a month and a half later, that I'm FINALLY seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. I'm flat broke and still dealing with a lot of eating issues, but I'm not as stressed, I have a new (part-time) job that I actually really enjoy, and I'm making more time to spend with friends and family.

This morning, a good friend of mine posted a status on Facebook about paying off all her college debt. I'll admit, when I read that, instead of feeling happy or proud of her... I felt resentful and angry at myself. I thought, "That's not fair! Her mom got her a job right out of school that pays a lot of money!" Then I took a step back and thought, "No, she worked a lot of jobs and internships prior to earn that position." Truth is, she didn't take out as many loans as I did, so of course it's going to take me more time to pay it off. I wasn't looking at the big picture. I am really proud of her, and she deserves the best because she works her ass off every day. Maybe my part-time job won't get me to that point any time soon, but if I work hard enough, eventually I'll reach it. I'm so incredibly luckily to have parents that are willing to assist me financially whenever I need it. I'm not alone and I have no reason to feel ashamed.

That last statement is a little weird for me to say, because in other aspects of my life, I still feel so helpless. I can't bear to look at myself naked because I still hate what I see. My clothes fit me perfectly fine and they're all smalls, but it's still not good enough for me. I can't help that I want everything to hang off me like a coat rack. I purged for the first time in months this week and it felt so... liberating. But it's just a trap. I'm scared to go back to old habits but at the same time it seems so comforting. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now and I'm so terrified of choosing the most familiar path and just as equally terrified to choose the other. I can't explain why I'm so obsessed with being thin, it just is. I talk about being brave and smart, but I know that I've already made up mind.

/:

Today's proving to be sort of difficult. I was doing so well last week then I had one bad meal, felt guilty, and essentially gave up. I felt really bloated that day so I skipped my workout, then the next day I didn't have time and in the days after I just felt too sad to do it.

The week before, I'd gotten down to respectable weight, my stomach was completely flat and hard. After the binge I felt like a pregnant woman, but the bloat eventually went down. I bought a crop top in celebration that I planned to wear with high-waisted pants.

I tried wearing it today. My stomach is so round and squishy now. Even with my high waisted jeans squeezing the fat down, there was a huge bulge in the middle. My arms have gotten flabby and disgusting. Not only that, but I've been feeling really bad about my nose lately. I used to hate it and then got over it and didn't care, but something must have triggered me recently and I can't stop looking at it and thinking about it. I want a nose job so bad.

Anyways, I was supposed to have dinner with friends tonight but that's not happening now. I need to starve again and workout everyday until I'm back to where I was just last week!! I hate this yo-yoing.

I'm Alive!

Yup! Still here. Haven't posted in ages. I'm gonna make this quick and post a longer update in the coming week hopefully. I got an internship at a recording studio which is where I am right now. I found a great blog this morning, which maybe you've seen or haven't but I wanted to share it :)

http://howtwolive.blogspot.com.au/

Well, that's it for now! More later xoxo

Anxiety

Do any of you suffer from anxiety? I tend to spend most of my days dealing with pretty severe anxiety. I worry about everything and overanalyze the simplest things. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack this evening. I don't want to go into details because it makes me nauseous thinking about it. But I basically got into an argument with my boyfriend. This happens every few months it feels. We'll be doing really well and then we have one bad day and I blow everything out of proportion and make things 10x worse. Not to mention I'd already argues with my mom earlier in the day so I was already feeling pretty shit. Unfortunately when I got the attack I wasn't at home so I had to rush into a restroom where I sat on the floor and sobbed. I felt like I was suffocating and ended up throwing up. That was a few hours ago and since then he and I have made up. It wasn't even a big deal but I can't handle confrontation at all. I can't deal with anyone criticizing me because I was never really disciplined as a child and I take everything as a personal attack against me. I really need to fucking grow up.

I feel a lot better right now, still a little shaky but I'm okay.

How do you deal with anxiety? I haven't found any consistently successful way of dealing with it and I hate when it escalates into an attack like today. It makes me feel so pathetic.

Hello everybody! I feel bad about not having posted this week. Thanks for all the comments on my last post, though! They were very helpful for me to read.

Well, you guys were right. Given time, my problems figured themselves out for the most part. I guess I was a little vague when I talked about how I neglected my friend. Basically we were supposed to hang out last weekend but I had other things going on and sort of left her hanging. It was stupid of me really, considering she's one of my closest (and only) friends. Well we didn't speak much in the beginning of the week and I suspect she was annoyed at me, rightly so. I called her in the middle of the week and we talked about it and I apologized. I still haven't seen her, but we're planning on having dinner next weekend. I guess things are mostly patched up, but we'll see when we actually hang out.

Things with my dad have gotten a bit better also. He never really explained why he was angry at me or why he gave me the silent treatment. But I suppose we're similar in that way. Neither of us can handle confrontation so we just sort of let our problems sit there and stew. Eventually they simmer down and aren't exactly forgotten, but put on the backburner. Like my use of analogy? Things are okay between us right now. They're never really outstanding though, so I'm not expecting much.

Other than that, everything else is more or less the same. I finally saw Django tonight with an old friend who just returned from a 2 month stay in India. We went out to eat before and I ordered a club sandwich. I removed the bread and the bacon and some of the turkey. I ate two pieces and gave her my fries. She's used to my eating habits, though, so she didn't say anything. Which I appreciate.

So that about sums up my week. I hope to continue posting more frequently this week. I love reading all your blogs and I'm trying to make an effort to comment on them more. But rest assured I do read them all the time! You all seem like such lovely girls :)

So it goes.

Hello, there. Been a while.

Well, weight-wise, things have been progressing really well. I'm down to 115 and feeling better. Sticking to about a meal a day and calorie-free drinks only. That app I mentioned has actually really helped me with my binges. I've only had one since I downloaded it. I guess it has a lot to do with shame which probably isn't healthy either, but whatever.

In other aspects of my life, things are slowly falling apart. J has been offered two jobs and now the pressure's on me to get my ass into gear. He wants to get an apartment together within a year but I need to find work and I really need to get my license. It'd make things so much easier. I sort of neglected a close friend this weekend and we haven't talked much since then. I feel like she's the closest girl friend I have and now I'm distancing myself from her. I hate how I do that. My dad hasn't spoken to me all day for whatever reason and my poor mother is trying so hard to be a medium between us. But nothing will work. It seems the only thing I can control these days is my weight. That's why I absolutely HAVE to reach my goal weight. It'll be such an accomplishment. I haven't accomplished anything in so long. I feel like such a waste of space sometimes.

But if I'm skinny I won't waste so much of it. I'll just take up a little sliver of this universe.

Back

Haven't been on here in a few days. I think the last half of this past week I was just too exhausted by my anxiety and destructive thoughts that I needed to take a break. I tried to be healthy. I ate well-balanced meals throughout the day, but no matter how much green was on the plate I still felt annoyingly guilty.

I downloaded a new iPhone app; it's called The Eatery. Basically, you photograph every meal you eat and others will rate it on a scale of "fit" to "fat". It's sort of dumb, but what it does achieve is to make me feel either empowered or ashamed by my choices. I'll photograph a bagel and it'll get 14 "fat" ratings before I can take a bite...so I don't. Like I said, stupid. But somehow I see it as helpful.

I made fish tacos today. Ate two. Got a tall mocha lite frap at Starbucks. Had about 4 sips and gave the rest to my brother. Not eating anymore. I never want to eat again, but I always say that.

I wore my middle school jeans today. Still felt fat.