...

I woke up today with the taste of blood at the back of my throat. I went to rinse my mouth out and it had a slight red tint to it.. I'm not too worried because I had some lukewarm water and felt better.

I went out with my mom and had a bowl of soup. We stopped at a bakery and I had 2 peanut butter cookies. I also drank a bit of orange juice. We're going on a mile walk later and I plan on exercising tonight. I was 118 this morning. I was happy.

Changes

I'm almost tempted to delete my earlier posts because my feelings have changed so much, but I think it's important to keep some kind of record of my temperaments. I don't know.

Maybe it was the seperation and self-isolation that made me feel that way. Either way, he's back now and I'm really glad he is. I forgot how stable I feel when I'm around him. It's saddening being around him because of how harsh my thoughts have been towards him and it's hard for me to forgive myself for that. I feel terrible. All he's ever wanted is to make me happy and make me feel special. I wish I could do the same for him, because he deserves it more than I do. I'm going to try, though. I'm going to put as much energy into this as I can. He has become a really integral part of my being that is hard to ignore and that would take something very...significant for me to remove. I'm not even sure what. If he cheated on me I guess.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's just how I feel NOW. And as long as he didn't sense the way I felt before, I guess it doesn't really matter. Only J knows, but she understands... and moves past. I'll have to talk with her about it soon, though, and assure her my feelings have changed. Just in case something slips, or maybe she thinks me a hypocrite. What does it matter.

Anyway, I've finally broken 120. I was really happy when it happened, it's been so long since I've been under that stupid number. I was looking at some measurements I wrote down around the beginning of summer and I've actually shrunk quite a bit! It took a while, but once I disciplined myself it was easy..ish.

3.5 inches were lost from my upper waist
5.5 inches from my lower waistt
2 inches from my thighs
3.5 from my hips
and half an inch around my upper arms

It's progress, and it's very encouraging to see it on a long-term scale like that, rather than half an inch in 2 weeks or something.

I actually woke up with a sore throat this morning so that was a good excuse to consume only mass amounts of tea and a small bowl of soup. I admit I binged on a bagel and toast with Nutella about an hour ago, but that's been taken care of. So hopefully tomorrow is just as good. I'm still exercising tonight, or as much as I can. Maybe by Monday I'll have the coveted gap!! It's so close.

Until then, here are some pictures:

Angry... again.

I feel horrible right now. I feel fucking HUGE. This past week, I was doing so well (wasn't I?). I ate so much this weekend. I went out for lunch with a friend yesterday and ate a bratwurst and fries. Today I had a full carne asada meal and leftover Thai for dinner. Also about three chocolates throughout the day. Well, I stepped on the scale tonight. I don't know what I was expecting. I'd gained a pound.

A POUND.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but it makes me feel ENORMOUS. And angry. Why can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Why can't I stop myself from gorging on food? Why can't my gut just deflate itself, my thighs shrink, my chin fat melt away... I feel so ugly. I wish I could grab a cleaver and chop off my disgusting, round, mushy, dimpled love handles. I want to die.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE SMALL AND BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT??

I'm sticking a paper bag over my head and never going back outside.

120

Finally got a new scale that WORKS this time. Stripped down and weighed myself today: 120. I'm actually kind of pleased, I thought it'd be around the 130 mark. So 30 pounds to lose instead of 40. Feeling better about myself. I b/p'd twice today. Actually, the first wasn't really much of a binge or purge, just a little something to get rid of the urge to do so on a larger scale. Evening was more successful.

Also, I've decided to wait until after the holidays for the break-up. Sometime in early or mid-January. Mostly because I'm too much of a spineless cretin to do it right now, but so it goes. Feeling a bit better about that whole situation these days, too. I've been giving him the cold shoulder recently so it isn't so much of a blow; if anything, it might even be expected. That'd be nice.

Spent my entire day watching 7th Heaven. What family on Earth is like that?? Bizarre.

It's nice to know in about a month or so I'll be relatively stress-free. I can hardly wait.

Hannukah

Finally got the scale open. I was too scared to weigh myself so I made my mom go first since she'd weighed herself that morning at work and already knew the number. But the scale was way off and said she was nearly 20 pounds less than what she really is. I hopped on and was elated to see the double digit number it showed, but disappointed when I remembered the scale was faulty /: We're going back to exchange it tomorrow.

In other news, today (up until the Hanukkah dinner) was really, really great. One of the best days I've had in a very long time. There was a huge sample sale downtown and I went with a friend. I bought the loveliest set of rose gold above-the-knuckle rings, a new iPhone case from DimePiece, the most amazing pair of dark round sunglasses, a sheer button-up with leather collar and gold tips, and more bits and bobs I can't even remember. We just walked around looking at clothes all day and then we went to Melrose to pick up some pillows she'd ordered and then to exchange some jeans at AA. A simple day, but just so fun! It made me realize how much happier I am and how much more MYSELF I am around good friends and close family.

Well, that brings me to the latter part of my day. Yes, I did come up with an excuse to get myself out of spending the night. I hung around for a bit then pulled him aside and told him I needed to go home after dinner because... I GOT MY PERIOD. Obviously, that put the absolute fear of god in him and he immediately agreed to take me home.

I had a couple thin slices of tri-tip and a small piece of salmon. Some salad and a couple latkes with applesauce. His mother served tarte tartin (is that what it's called?) for dessert and I had a small piece with a cup of coffee. I didn't feel too guilty as that's all I'd eaten today. Menstrual cramps usually make me lose my appetite, which I'm grateful for. The evening went all right, but I just felt so out of place. Not because I'm not Jewish, or not part of the family, but I just felt like a personality that didn't really belong. His mother makes me uncomfortable, almost guilty. His father is alright, and his brother is sweet. I like his aunt and grandfather. I'm still unsure about the grandmother. Regardless, I just don't find myself excited for any of these family dinners of his. On the way home, he told me I needed to sleep over sometime this week. Yeah, we'll see about that.

My only concern now is if I should wait to break up with him after the holidays, or just stop putting it off and do it before Christmas (which neither of celebrate, but it's still a very... family-oriented time??). Can anyone out there offer any advice?

Purged again today. Stayed in bed, then went to the bakery in the evening to get french bread for the dinner my mother was making. Ate half of one. Bought a piece of cake and nibbled at it. Who am I kidding, more than nibbled. Agreed to spend the night at his house tomorrow. Currently racking my brain for any excuse to get out of it.

Better Days

Well, today was exponentially better than yesterday. The last half, at least. I started my day off with a really horrible leftovers binge and guiltily purged it all. I was exhausted afterwards so I relaxed in bed with music and tea. My mom came home from work early so we went to the mall & I bought two new candles, one of which is a eucalyptus & spearmint scent that's burning right now and really relaxing me. I successfully avoided him again today. Tomorrow might be a little harder, but I already committed to going to his family dinner Saturday so I'll see him eventually. I still haven't opened the scale, but that's alright I guess. I had soup for dinner, mostly broth and vegetables again. I just feel more at peace today. That's all.

Stress Eating

Well, he finally texted me. Asked me to sleep over tomorrow and of course I fed him about 10 excuses at once, most of them actually legitimate. The worst part is, HE WAS OKAY WITH IT. God, a really big part of me wanted him to snap and argue and yell and point out everything I do wrong, lord knows he's had no problem doing that in the past. But no, he was okay with it and offered to come visit me for a change. I doubt he'll try, and if he does I'll pull another excuse out of my magic top hat. Why can't I just be upfront with him? Instead, I try to manipulate him into breaking up with me because that would be SO MUCH EASIER. Honestly, I wouldn't mind! But it's not going to happen, at least not in the time frame I want it to. So I have to push his buttons enough that he's not so happy with me and can see that we have issues and when I bring them up he'll maybe be a bit more rational? And not take it so hard? God, why am I such a baby about these things? Why am I so immature? Why do I sit here and ask myself questions I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO? I am pathetic. I am a fat sack of vomit and hair and lies and disgusting, snivelling, deplorable qualities.

So now I'm in bed eating leftover fried lasagna from earlier and it tastes really, really good. No way am I weighing myself tonight.

Rainy Days

Something about gloomy, yet not rainy, days always puts me in a funk. Maybe it's the dark skies without even the exchange of moisture, only dry, biting wind. I woke up early today because, as I mentioned yesterday, I was going to spend the day with my mother. I woke up with a really bad stomachache, which hasn't really gone away. I've been constipated for a few days now, which usually happens when I don't eat enough. Which is, of course, a happy thing for me. It's still uncomfortable and inconvenient, though. So I went to my mom's and we ate at Olive Garden. I mostly just picked at my food and brought most of it home. I did eat a full breadstick, though, which I'm still upset about. I guess the funk sort of set in when I mentioned it was my "nephew"'s birthday. I said my cousin had invited me over and I sort of wanted to go. Silence. I knew what she was thinking about. I told her he wasn't going to be there. That I heard he wasn't living with them at the moment. She made a face and I dropped the subject. We went shopping and while she went for her massage, I sat reading a magazine. I felt bad. I felt anxious. I walked to Coldstone and bought a medium-sized ice cream. Birthday Party Remix. I had a few bites, mostly eating only the brownie pieces. I'd barely scraped the first inch off before I realized what I was doing. I threw it out and sat in the car until my mom came out.

As we were driving home, she started listing the things she wanted to get done tonight. I mentioned the birthday again. We both tensed up and she started explaining how she just didn't want to see him. I didn't know this, but I guess she got into an argument with him while I was off at school. That made me uncomfortable. I convinced her he wasn't going to be there, I wouldn't even think of going if he was. She agreed and told me not to tell my dad because he'd get really mad. Why did she tell him?? I told her not to. I trusted her not to. Everything just got weirder. Is that why he hasn't been as hard on me as I thought he would be for still being unemployed? Sympathy? Pity? I still feel sick. I can't even shit. My stomach is in knots and I thought I'd get period today, but I guess it got scared away.

I bought a scale today. It's still in the box, unopened, lying in the middle of my floor. I'm terrified of it. But I'm DYING to know. I haven't weighed myself in over a year. I thought this would help me. I've decided I'll use it later tonight, when everyone's gone to bed. I don't want anyone to ask me why I'm crying.

I think he's mad at me because I haven't called or texted since Saturday. But he hasn't, either. Anyway, I have all my excuses ready. I'm supposed to go to his family's Hanukkah dinner this Saturday. At least I have the excuse of not liking tuna mousse when they ask why I'm not eating. It's legitimately revolting.

I might update this post after I weigh myself tonight.

Day 1...ish

Okay, enough with introductions.

Today was a...decent day. My brother asked me to make him lunch so I made a simple buffalo chicken dip with what was lying around in our fridge. I spread some of it on about 7 small crackers throughout the day. My mother made chicken soup in the evening. I usually hate eating her chicken soup because she puts so much oil in it. I mean, it tastes great but it's certainly not the healthiest soup. I can't ask her to change it though, because the slightest form of criticism will send her over the edge. I once asked her to add lemon juice into the tuna she makes because my aunt did once and it was really good. She got so mad at me... I feel I've adopted her behaviors because I can't seem to take any criticism, constructive or not, as anything other than a personal attack. Wow, rambled a bit there. Anyway, I ate half a bowl of chicken soup. Mostly broth and green beans with a few scraps of chicken to appease her.

I'm really nervous about tomorrow, though. I'm going to my mom's work with her because she wants to do some shopping before her monthly massage. Of course, this means lunch. At a restaurant. I guess it depends where we go, but I'm still feeling really anxious about it. Hopefully that doesn't turn out horrible.

This past Friday I slept over a good friend's apartment. She lives by the Grove so we got really drunk and ended up walking to the Cheesecake Factory. We started out with chicken wings which I devoured in about 3 minutes before running off to the bathroom to throw it all up. I didn't bother trying to purge quietly because I was drunk and my inhibitions were low. I walked out the stall and two older women were GLARING at me. I went back to the table and my friend joked about me going off to vomit because I was gone for so long. I sort of chuckled. Our waitress brought the pasta out (we were sharing one plate) and we both picked at it a little. Luckily, it sucked and my friend thought so too so it wasn't so strange that we barely ate it. We went back to hers where I gobbled up some aspirin and fell asleep. I'm sure tomorrow won't be nearly the same experience, but we'll see.


In non-food related news, my partner came back from his two-week vacation in Thailand. It was such a breath of fresh air to have him gone that long. Of course, once he returned, more of my stress and anxiety did too. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just let him go. It's happened twice before, but not initiated by me. I guess that's where the problem lies. I HATE breaking up with people. And I know it's better than leading someone on. But I feel I have some sort of loyalty to him since we've been together so long and we've broken up twice already. It's like... I fought for us so hard and now I just want it to be over. Like, he did ME the favor by taking me back. Now, the feeling of his hands on my body makes me sick. His voice makes me sick. The things he talks about, all his opinions, his fucking mustache, his shirts, his teeth, his nailbeds, EVERYTHING makes me so angry and disgusted. He's not a disgusting person... I'm just deranged. My life would be so much simpler without the commitment of a relationship. I can't deal with the responsibility of social interaction and having to maintain any modicum of intimiacy between us.

I just want to be left alone. I want to fester and waste and rot alone in my room with no one bothering me.

Self Indulgence

It's been a really long time since I've used a blogging platform (outside of tumblr). I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by doing this, or if I'll keep it up for very long. I can at least say why I'm doing this. To reach an ideal. To attain some sort of happiness, contentment, even a simple satisfaction. To lose weight.

I've been self-destructive all my life, it seems. I hold secrets that eat away at me and when I feel I almost have the courage to share with somebody, I pull away so fast, pushing the other so far that sometimes I lose them forever. But I get over it, eventually. And I move onto the next victim, seducing them, manipulating, coercing, and abandoning. I am a succubus. A different kind of whore.

This blog is to be incredibly self-indulgent. I will be posting pictures of my body because I hate it. I want to look at it every second of the day to remind myself how repulsive it is and hopefully push myself into rectifying everything that is wrong with it. If I can't be perfect on the inside, you're damn well sure I will be on the outside. I'll be posting my eating habits to ensure further motivation. Weights, measurements, scars, burns, stains...

I also want to talk about the "social" aspect of my life. Mainly, my partner. I feel the end of us nearing quickly and it's a bit stress-relieving to let out my griefs about it somewhere.

Hopefully I'll find a community of like-minded people to engage with. That'd be comforting, right? I'll probably annoy a lot of people, but that's typical. The title of this post kind of says it all. I'm not trying to impress anyone or help anyone or offer anything other than pure, shameless self-indulgence. It's a fucking blog.

So here are some pictures of the current state of my body. It's horrific, I know. Trust me, I know better than anyone.

CW: 125
HW: 137
LW: 110
UGW: 90

Let's see how this turns out.