Rainy Days

Something about gloomy, yet not rainy, days always puts me in a funk. Maybe it's the dark skies without even the exchange of moisture, only dry, biting wind. I woke up early today because, as I mentioned yesterday, I was going to spend the day with my mother. I woke up with a really bad stomachache, which hasn't really gone away. I've been constipated for a few days now, which usually happens when I don't eat enough. Which is, of course, a happy thing for me. It's still uncomfortable and inconvenient, though. So I went to my mom's and we ate at Olive Garden. I mostly just picked at my food and brought most of it home. I did eat a full breadstick, though, which I'm still upset about. I guess the funk sort of set in when I mentioned it was my "nephew"'s birthday. I said my cousin had invited me over and I sort of wanted to go. Silence. I knew what she was thinking about. I told her he wasn't going to be there. That I heard he wasn't living with them at the moment. She made a face and I dropped the subject. We went shopping and while she went for her massage, I sat reading a magazine. I felt bad. I felt anxious. I walked to Coldstone and bought a medium-sized ice cream. Birthday Party Remix. I had a few bites, mostly eating only the brownie pieces. I'd barely scraped the first inch off before I realized what I was doing. I threw it out and sat in the car until my mom came out.

As we were driving home, she started listing the things she wanted to get done tonight. I mentioned the birthday again. We both tensed up and she started explaining how she just didn't want to see him. I didn't know this, but I guess she got into an argument with him while I was off at school. That made me uncomfortable. I convinced her he wasn't going to be there, I wouldn't even think of going if he was. She agreed and told me not to tell my dad because he'd get really mad. Why did she tell him?? I told her not to. I trusted her not to. Everything just got weirder. Is that why he hasn't been as hard on me as I thought he would be for still being unemployed? Sympathy? Pity? I still feel sick. I can't even shit. My stomach is in knots and I thought I'd get period today, but I guess it got scared away.

I bought a scale today. It's still in the box, unopened, lying in the middle of my floor. I'm terrified of it. But I'm DYING to know. I haven't weighed myself in over a year. I thought this would help me. I've decided I'll use it later tonight, when everyone's gone to bed. I don't want anyone to ask me why I'm crying.

I think he's mad at me because I haven't called or texted since Saturday. But he hasn't, either. Anyway, I have all my excuses ready. I'm supposed to go to his family's Hanukkah dinner this Saturday. At least I have the excuse of not liking tuna mousse when they ask why I'm not eating. It's legitimately revolting.

I might update this post after I weigh myself tonight.