Failure

I'm so disappointed over the past two days. Yesterday I went to J's house and he got a gift card for a vegan cafe that we went to for lunch. I suppose the lunch wasn't so terrible and later on I had some salad at his place with no dressing. But then we visited a friend after dinner and I drank beer (of course) and ate a personal pizza and a pig in a blanket. Then today I decided to fast but got really hungry around noon (of course) and had a plate of chicken and rice. As if that wasn't enough, I ended up finishing off the rice later in the evening. I finished the last quarter of a bag of goldfish and ate about 10-12 butter crackers with cheese and turkey. I was going to purge but I really am just not in the mood. I was going to exercise but am not in the mood for that either (of course). I went on a walk earlier but that probably cancelled out, what, one cracker?? I'm such a failure. I thought this year was going to be different. Obviously not. Still just as fat as ever.

I want to fast all day tomorrow but my mom is making dinner for once and she always expects me to eat it. I'll try not to. But it'll be a waste anyway because the weekend is coming up and I always eat/drink WAY too much.

Why is it so hard to discipline myself? To gain control over my fucking appetite? I mean, it should be simple enough. Millions of others have learned to control their appetite, why can't I? I can't even look at a picture of a skinny girl right now or I'll burst into tears. That's why I'm blogging and watching King of the Hill, lol.

I don't know. I can't even say I'm angry, just really disappointed. I thought things were going to change. J has a show Friday night (which I'd probably drink at because those things are always awkward for me) and I promised  my friend I'd sleep over, but she wants to order pizza. I want to come up with some excuse that'll get me out of both things. But even if I spent my entire weekend at home, my mom is always ordering fattening fried foods and expecting me to eat it. And if I don't SOMEONE in the house will notice and complain about it.

I wish I could be left completely alone to starve. That's kind of a bratty thing to say, probably, but I don't care.