Well, there goes my relatively "good" day. I was in the process of making myself an actual meal because I thought I deserved and could handle it. Just a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. As I was making it, though, my brother said he was going to Jack in the Box and if I wanted anything. Usually I just say no (like earlier today when he went to Subway), but I felt bad because he's always trying to do nice things for me. Also, he's the most observant of my eating habits and tells my mom when he thinks I'm not eating enough or put myself on a diet or something. So I just said yes. After he left, I sat there staring at the sandwich. I was actually pretty hungry so I took a bite. I ended up eating half of it before stopping myself and throwing the rest away. I fought the urge to purge and sat on the couch with my hands under my legs. I watched tv and when he came back and placed the food in front of me, I ate. I told myself I wouldn't eat it all because then I'd definitely have to purge. I could eat a couple nuggets, a couple fries. Eventually I gave in and ate almost all of it. I sat there for a minute, chugged a bottle of diet green tea, and ran to the bathroom.
Out it came. I tried to be as quiet as I could. I'm so used to being alone during these moments but this time I had to be conscious of how loud my gagging could get. It wasn't so hard. I prayed he wouldn't be on the other side of the door when I came out. He wasn't. Hadn't left his room. I washed up a bit and now here I am. My stomach feels upset. I keep spitting up bile. I can't fight the guilt of knowing that some calories passed through, no matter what I did. I feel horrible and my mouth tastes like vomit. I can smell it on me. I disgust myself. I am subhuman; pathetic.
I am going to sleep.
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