Stomachache

Ok, today was a good day, but foodwise it was HORRIBLE. I have the worst stomachache right now because not only did I have ice cream, but I had pizza (CHEESE) and A LOT of it. I also drank way too much beer, not to the pont where I'm drunk but enough to where I feel bloated beyond belief. I had a HUGE bowl of tonkotsu ramen in the afternoon, which if anyone doesn't know, is basically boiled pork fat. But it's SO GOOD. I'm really angry at myself, especially after seeing one of my pledges from college post a picture of herself wearing short shorts in her 5'9", 90 pound ass.

WHY. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Knowing full well that I'd end up fucking hating myself the second I came home. Especially since the jacket I've been waiting for came in the mail today and the arms are the slightest bit too tight. I was planning on wearing it with my riding pants but only AFTER I got my thigh gap. Which I assumed would happen by the end of this weekend, but not after today! Oh no.

And tomorrow I'm supposed to meet some friends I haven't seen in months for dinner. Well I can play off not eating until dinner, because I want to save my appetite. But how am I gonna sit through a meal I've been planning for days and not eat?? I can blame it on being sick but I don't know if I can control myself. I thought I could today, but apparently not. Ugh, my stomach is gurgling. I want to be 99 pounds, dammit! Is that so much to ask?? I don't care about maintaining my relationships or finding a job, so long as I'm 99 pounds!! Is that sick of me? I don't care.

I want to wear this jacket and look like the skinniest girl in the room. I want to throw up everything I've eaten today but it's too late for that. I want this stomachache to go away and let me fall asleep.

I'm angry and disappointed and feeling really self-destructive right now.

Someone, anyone, PLEASE tell me you've had days as bad as this and still moved forward and progressed and felt better about yourself??? Because I'm finding it really hard to be hopeful.

I guess I should stop writing. Hopefully When I post again tomorrow night my stomach will be 10000000000% EMPTY.