Back Again

Wow, it's been quite a while since I signed back into this. I think for a while there, I recognized how unhealthy I was getting and resigned myself to getting fit the "right" way. I signed up for pilates & spin classes, ate 2-3 healthy meals a day, went for occasional runs, etc. I got a new job that gave me lots of hours and paid well. I went shopping guilt-free and bought things that fit and flattered me well. It seemed to be going really well for a while.

Then my job became a nightmare, I was stress eating, I didn't have time to work out anymore, I was anxious ALL the time (on the verge of tears at least once a day) and it began to affect my relationships. I became withdrawn and snappy, convinced that no one knew what I was going through and refusing to reach out for help form anyone.

Eventually, I quit my job. Even though the cash flow stopped, I do not regret that decision. That place was affecting me negatively on so many levels. I thought this would make things start picking up again, but it's not until now, almost a month and a half later, that I'm FINALLY seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. I'm flat broke and still dealing with a lot of eating issues, but I'm not as stressed, I have a new (part-time) job that I actually really enjoy, and I'm making more time to spend with friends and family.

This morning, a good friend of mine posted a status on Facebook about paying off all her college debt. I'll admit, when I read that, instead of feeling happy or proud of her... I felt resentful and angry at myself. I thought, "That's not fair! Her mom got her a job right out of school that pays a lot of money!" Then I took a step back and thought, "No, she worked a lot of jobs and internships prior to earn that position." Truth is, she didn't take out as many loans as I did, so of course it's going to take me more time to pay it off. I wasn't looking at the big picture. I am really proud of her, and she deserves the best because she works her ass off every day. Maybe my part-time job won't get me to that point any time soon, but if I work hard enough, eventually I'll reach it. I'm so incredibly luckily to have parents that are willing to assist me financially whenever I need it. I'm not alone and I have no reason to feel ashamed.

That last statement is a little weird for me to say, because in other aspects of my life, I still feel so helpless. I can't bear to look at myself naked because I still hate what I see. My clothes fit me perfectly fine and they're all smalls, but it's still not good enough for me. I can't help that I want everything to hang off me like a coat rack. I purged for the first time in months this week and it felt so... liberating. But it's just a trap. I'm scared to go back to old habits but at the same time it seems so comforting. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now and I'm so terrified of choosing the most familiar path and just as equally terrified to choose the other. I can't explain why I'm so obsessed with being thin, it just is. I talk about being brave and smart, but I know that I've already made up mind.

/:

Today's proving to be sort of difficult. I was doing so well last week then I had one bad meal, felt guilty, and essentially gave up. I felt really bloated that day so I skipped my workout, then the next day I didn't have time and in the days after I just felt too sad to do it.

The week before, I'd gotten down to respectable weight, my stomach was completely flat and hard. After the binge I felt like a pregnant woman, but the bloat eventually went down. I bought a crop top in celebration that I planned to wear with high-waisted pants.

I tried wearing it today. My stomach is so round and squishy now. Even with my high waisted jeans squeezing the fat down, there was a huge bulge in the middle. My arms have gotten flabby and disgusting. Not only that, but I've been feeling really bad about my nose lately. I used to hate it and then got over it and didn't care, but something must have triggered me recently and I can't stop looking at it and thinking about it. I want a nose job so bad.

Anyways, I was supposed to have dinner with friends tonight but that's not happening now. I need to starve again and workout everyday until I'm back to where I was just last week!! I hate this yo-yoing.

I'm Alive!

Yup! Still here. Haven't posted in ages. I'm gonna make this quick and post a longer update in the coming week hopefully. I got an internship at a recording studio which is where I am right now. I found a great blog this morning, which maybe you've seen or haven't but I wanted to share it :)

http://howtwolive.blogspot.com.au/

Well, that's it for now! More later xoxo

Anxiety

Do any of you suffer from anxiety? I tend to spend most of my days dealing with pretty severe anxiety. I worry about everything and overanalyze the simplest things. I had a pretty bad anxiety attack this evening. I don't want to go into details because it makes me nauseous thinking about it. But I basically got into an argument with my boyfriend. This happens every few months it feels. We'll be doing really well and then we have one bad day and I blow everything out of proportion and make things 10x worse. Not to mention I'd already argues with my mom earlier in the day so I was already feeling pretty shit. Unfortunately when I got the attack I wasn't at home so I had to rush into a restroom where I sat on the floor and sobbed. I felt like I was suffocating and ended up throwing up. That was a few hours ago and since then he and I have made up. It wasn't even a big deal but I can't handle confrontation at all. I can't deal with anyone criticizing me because I was never really disciplined as a child and I take everything as a personal attack against me. I really need to fucking grow up.

I feel a lot better right now, still a little shaky but I'm okay.

How do you deal with anxiety? I haven't found any consistently successful way of dealing with it and I hate when it escalates into an attack like today. It makes me feel so pathetic.

Hello everybody! I feel bad about not having posted this week. Thanks for all the comments on my last post, though! They were very helpful for me to read.

Well, you guys were right. Given time, my problems figured themselves out for the most part. I guess I was a little vague when I talked about how I neglected my friend. Basically we were supposed to hang out last weekend but I had other things going on and sort of left her hanging. It was stupid of me really, considering she's one of my closest (and only) friends. Well we didn't speak much in the beginning of the week and I suspect she was annoyed at me, rightly so. I called her in the middle of the week and we talked about it and I apologized. I still haven't seen her, but we're planning on having dinner next weekend. I guess things are mostly patched up, but we'll see when we actually hang out.

Things with my dad have gotten a bit better also. He never really explained why he was angry at me or why he gave me the silent treatment. But I suppose we're similar in that way. Neither of us can handle confrontation so we just sort of let our problems sit there and stew. Eventually they simmer down and aren't exactly forgotten, but put on the backburner. Like my use of analogy? Things are okay between us right now. They're never really outstanding though, so I'm not expecting much.

Other than that, everything else is more or less the same. I finally saw Django tonight with an old friend who just returned from a 2 month stay in India. We went out to eat before and I ordered a club sandwich. I removed the bread and the bacon and some of the turkey. I ate two pieces and gave her my fries. She's used to my eating habits, though, so she didn't say anything. Which I appreciate.

So that about sums up my week. I hope to continue posting more frequently this week. I love reading all your blogs and I'm trying to make an effort to comment on them more. But rest assured I do read them all the time! You all seem like such lovely girls :)

So it goes.

Hello, there. Been a while.

Well, weight-wise, things have been progressing really well. I'm down to 115 and feeling better. Sticking to about a meal a day and calorie-free drinks only. That app I mentioned has actually really helped me with my binges. I've only had one since I downloaded it. I guess it has a lot to do with shame which probably isn't healthy either, but whatever.

In other aspects of my life, things are slowly falling apart. J has been offered two jobs and now the pressure's on me to get my ass into gear. He wants to get an apartment together within a year but I need to find work and I really need to get my license. It'd make things so much easier. I sort of neglected a close friend this weekend and we haven't talked much since then. I feel like she's the closest girl friend I have and now I'm distancing myself from her. I hate how I do that. My dad hasn't spoken to me all day for whatever reason and my poor mother is trying so hard to be a medium between us. But nothing will work. It seems the only thing I can control these days is my weight. That's why I absolutely HAVE to reach my goal weight. It'll be such an accomplishment. I haven't accomplished anything in so long. I feel like such a waste of space sometimes.

But if I'm skinny I won't waste so much of it. I'll just take up a little sliver of this universe.

Back

Haven't been on here in a few days. I think the last half of this past week I was just too exhausted by my anxiety and destructive thoughts that I needed to take a break. I tried to be healthy. I ate well-balanced meals throughout the day, but no matter how much green was on the plate I still felt annoyingly guilty.

I downloaded a new iPhone app; it's called The Eatery. Basically, you photograph every meal you eat and others will rate it on a scale of "fit" to "fat". It's sort of dumb, but what it does achieve is to make me feel either empowered or ashamed by my choices. I'll photograph a bagel and it'll get 14 "fat" ratings before I can take a bite...so I don't. Like I said, stupid. But somehow I see it as helpful.

I made fish tacos today. Ate two. Got a tall mocha lite frap at Starbucks. Had about 4 sips and gave the rest to my brother. Not eating anymore. I never want to eat again, but I always say that.

I wore my middle school jeans today. Still felt fat.

Failure

I'm so disappointed over the past two days. Yesterday I went to J's house and he got a gift card for a vegan cafe that we went to for lunch. I suppose the lunch wasn't so terrible and later on I had some salad at his place with no dressing. But then we visited a friend after dinner and I drank beer (of course) and ate a personal pizza and a pig in a blanket. Then today I decided to fast but got really hungry around noon (of course) and had a plate of chicken and rice. As if that wasn't enough, I ended up finishing off the rice later in the evening. I finished the last quarter of a bag of goldfish and ate about 10-12 butter crackers with cheese and turkey. I was going to purge but I really am just not in the mood. I was going to exercise but am not in the mood for that either (of course). I went on a walk earlier but that probably cancelled out, what, one cracker?? I'm such a failure. I thought this year was going to be different. Obviously not. Still just as fat as ever.

I want to fast all day tomorrow but my mom is making dinner for once and she always expects me to eat it. I'll try not to. But it'll be a waste anyway because the weekend is coming up and I always eat/drink WAY too much.

Why is it so hard to discipline myself? To gain control over my fucking appetite? I mean, it should be simple enough. Millions of others have learned to control their appetite, why can't I? I can't even look at a picture of a skinny girl right now or I'll burst into tears. That's why I'm blogging and watching King of the Hill, lol.

I don't know. I can't even say I'm angry, just really disappointed. I thought things were going to change. J has a show Friday night (which I'd probably drink at because those things are always awkward for me) and I promised  my friend I'd sleep over, but she wants to order pizza. I want to come up with some excuse that'll get me out of both things. But even if I spent my entire weekend at home, my mom is always ordering fattening fried foods and expecting me to eat it. And if I don't SOMEONE in the house will notice and complain about it.

I wish I could be left completely alone to starve. That's kind of a bratty thing to say, probably, but I don't care.

Monday Monday

What a waste of a day. It was so cold and I had no energy to do anything. I made dinner for my family (tilapia and rice) and ended up eating a plate myself /:

Not much to report. I still feel huge as always.

Weekend Recap

I had a really great weekend. Friday, J had a birthday dinner with all his friends. We went to this Indian/American/Mexican fusion place in Silverlake where I split an order of fries with a friend. I got really drunk that night but drank a lot of water too so I wasn't hungover the next day. I spent the night at his house and on Saturday, we went out for sandwiches for lunch. I got a half sandwich and only ate half of that and afterwards we went on a hike in Runyon Canyon in Hollywood. I haven't hiked in months so that felt really, really good. I did realize how out of shape I am because weren't even 10 minutes in and I was already panting. The view alone was worth it, though.

In the evening we went out for Japanese with his whole family. It was a tapas sort of place so I was able to nibble on a few of the plates that came out without making it obvious how little I was actually eating. It was a fun dinner, and he absolutely loved his gift. Later, we went to a seedy little bar in the Westwood area that was playing vintage burlesque on loop through a projector. I didn't even have the energy to finish one beer; I was so exhausted. I came home and passed out.

Today my parents had some friends over for a luncheon which I slept through. I ate a bit of ceviche but my brother said he'd bring me In-n-Out after work. I still haven't decided whether or not I should purge tonight. I guess it depends if I feel bloated or not. Haven't weighed myself yet, probably won't until later this week. That's all for this weekend! How was yours?

EDIT: Also, I wanted to link you all to my tumblr! It's not my personal one, just my inspirational one. Mostly models. Hope you enjoy!

external-anatomy.tumblr.com

Quiet Day

I've been working on J's birthday present all day. I'm sort of excited to give it to him, but a little embarrassed as well. Definitely not giving it to him during the family dinner; his grandparents will probably pull out another $5000 check right after me. It's simple, really homely, but I've been working on it all week so hopefully he'll like it.

Anyway, I watched a couple films while I was drawing. Black Swan and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I've already seen them multiple times, but I love rewatching them because the actresses are so skinny and beautiful. Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, and Rooney Mara were all under 100 pounds for filming and are all around my height. That's so encouraging and inspirational. They all look lovely.

I had half a leftover cupcake this morning and green tea throughout the day. I'm supposed to meet a friend tomorrow for dinner and drinks, so I suppose I won't eat til then. On Saturday, I'm having dinner with J and his family at a Japanese restaurant, which is really quite a relief. Japanese food is so light and carb-free. I'll probably take him out for lunch earlier in the day, but that doesn't mean I have to eat.

I haven't weighed myself all week, but I think I will tomorrow morning. Maybe tonight, if I can gather the courage. I'm terrified of the number, but am dying to know what it is.

Well, that's all for today.

Sweet Tooth

So I've successfully avoided food today except for one single, solitary cupcake. My brother brought 4 home and one of them in particularly was just staring me in the face, teasing me, calling itself to my tongue. So I ate it /:

I was planning on only eating half but then my brother came in the room and him watching me made me eat it all. I was supposed to go on a walk with my mom in the evening but she came home late and now it's too dark. So I guess I'll have to do a workout on my own before bed. I hate working out in my room. I'd much rather be outside with fresh air, having a conversation with my mom.

Ugh. I'm just frustrated now. I don't know why, I'm just really moody and I want to scream out or hit something.

Or eat something.

I'm not even hungry. I'm supposed to be working on J's birthday gift but I'm too agitated to do that now. Not to mention my nose is covered in blackheads and the fucking pore strips did nothing for me.

I looked in the mirror and my fat gut is protruding again. My thighs are fucking whale city and my ass has gotten so fat and lardy. I really, really hate myself sometimes.

Sorry, I should stop writing before this gets too annoying.

Control

So, today kind of sucked food-wise, but I don't feel guilty about it for once. I think it's because I didn't eat out fo some lack of control; I ate because I chose to. In a non-negative way. I didn't eat all day because I knew I was going out with my mom and figured we'd stop somewhere for a bite to eat, but my brother ended up tagging along so it became more of a sit-down meal. I really love going out with the two of them because they're both so easy-going and truly bring out the best in me. Unfortunately, both of them have noticed that I haven't been eating, so I decided to take it upon myself to prove to them I'm not...being deliberate about it? I'm not sure. Anyway, I split a thin crust pizza and dessert with my brother and we each had a beer. It was a very casual affair and really fun. I admit, I did consider excusing myself to purge but decided against it. I felt it'd be a hidden slap in the face to my mom who works so hard. So I didn't. We shopped afterward and now I'm at home with a mug of green tea. I bought a lot of new jewellery thanks to a gift card. So, all in all, a good day.

Update

Well, there goes my relatively "good" day. I was in the process of making myself an actual meal because I thought I deserved and could handle it. Just a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. As I was making it, though, my brother said he was going to Jack in the Box and if I wanted anything. Usually I just say no (like earlier today when he went to Subway), but I felt bad because he's always trying to do nice things for me. Also, he's the most observant of my eating habits and tells my mom when he thinks I'm not eating enough or put myself on a diet or something. So I just said yes. After he left, I sat there staring at the sandwich. I was actually pretty hungry so I took a bite. I ended up eating half of it before stopping myself and throwing the rest away. I fought the urge to purge and sat on the couch with my hands under my legs. I watched tv and when he came back and placed the food in front of me, I ate. I told myself I wouldn't eat it all because then I'd definitely have to purge. I could eat a couple nuggets, a couple fries. Eventually I gave in and ate almost all of it. I sat there for a minute, chugged a bottle of diet green tea, and ran to the bathroom.

Out it came. I tried to be as quiet as I could. I'm so used to being alone during these moments but this time I had to be conscious of how loud my gagging could get. It wasn't so hard. I prayed he wouldn't be on the other side of the door when I came out. He wasn't. Hadn't left his room. I washed up a bit and now here I am. My stomach feels upset. I keep spitting up bile. I can't fight the guilt of knowing that some calories passed through, no matter what I did. I feel horrible and my mouth tastes like vomit. I can smell it on me. I disgust myself. I am subhuman; pathetic.

I am going to sleep.

Drained

I've felt so sluggish today. I had planned on cleaning my room but all I could do was sleep. Someone ate that salad before I could get to to it so I had a small bowl of cereal and almond milk. A handful of goldfish. I haven't really had an appetite today, anyway. I had a really weird dream last night. It was kind of graphic and violent and might be a little too strange for me to post here, even if no one reads this.

117 this morning.
 
Maybe my exhaustion is caused by me listening to too many chopped and screwed mixes, ha.
Here's one I keep putting on repeat:

Oops

Ha, ok I realize now my last post was bit, er... dramatic. I've definitely cooled down a lot since then. Also have not eaten much since then, so...

Well, update time. Yesterday I did end up going to that dinner, which was at 7, and I ate nothing the entire day. We had korean bbq and shared between 5 girls, so it wasn't really like anyone could fully stuff their face, anyway. I probably had about 5 shrimps and a small amount of beef. I drank A LOT of beer though. The waiter kept bringing huge bottles out for free because of the "new year". Sure, 5 cute girls had nothing to do with it.
OH! I got to wear the outfit I wanted and it looked REALLY GOOD! I haven't worn my riding pants in months, mostly because they're a medium and still fit tight and that made me feel like shit. But I put them on so easily yesterday and they were even slightly baggy around my hips!
Anyway, we ended up going to a small bar in Koreatown where J and his friends met up with us. Drank some more and went home where I just barely made it to the bathroom and threw up. Some food came up with it, which surprised me because it had been about an hour since we'd finished dinner.

I woke up hungover today and grabbed an apple. Then I had a bowl of tortilla soup and a couple handfuls of goldfish and that was it. Drank a lot of green tea.

It's funny, I was so angry the night before last and was CONVINCED I'd gained about 10 pounds, but when I weighed myself yesterday, I was still at 118. Which was a huge relief. It'll probably be lower tomorrow morning since I haven't consumed much. Although I just now snuck some more goldfish... Obviously I'm not gonna gain from that, but I still feel guilty.

I beginning to like looking in the mirror a little more. I still see problem areas, but it's such an improvement. I'd post pictures, but I'm in a thong and don't really want my buttcheeks on here :) Maybe tomorrow if I'm still in as good of a mood.

Stomachache

Ok, today was a good day, but foodwise it was HORRIBLE. I have the worst stomachache right now because not only did I have ice cream, but I had pizza (CHEESE) and A LOT of it. I also drank way too much beer, not to the pont where I'm drunk but enough to where I feel bloated beyond belief. I had a HUGE bowl of tonkotsu ramen in the afternoon, which if anyone doesn't know, is basically boiled pork fat. But it's SO GOOD. I'm really angry at myself, especially after seeing one of my pledges from college post a picture of herself wearing short shorts in her 5'9", 90 pound ass.

WHY. WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

Knowing full well that I'd end up fucking hating myself the second I came home. Especially since the jacket I've been waiting for came in the mail today and the arms are the slightest bit too tight. I was planning on wearing it with my riding pants but only AFTER I got my thigh gap. Which I assumed would happen by the end of this weekend, but not after today! Oh no.

And tomorrow I'm supposed to meet some friends I haven't seen in months for dinner. Well I can play off not eating until dinner, because I want to save my appetite. But how am I gonna sit through a meal I've been planning for days and not eat?? I can blame it on being sick but I don't know if I can control myself. I thought I could today, but apparently not. Ugh, my stomach is gurgling. I want to be 99 pounds, dammit! Is that so much to ask?? I don't care about maintaining my relationships or finding a job, so long as I'm 99 pounds!! Is that sick of me? I don't care.

I want to wear this jacket and look like the skinniest girl in the room. I want to throw up everything I've eaten today but it's too late for that. I want this stomachache to go away and let me fall asleep.

I'm angry and disappointed and feeling really self-destructive right now.

Someone, anyone, PLEASE tell me you've had days as bad as this and still moved forward and progressed and felt better about yourself??? Because I'm finding it really hard to be hopeful.

I guess I should stop writing. Hopefully When I post again tomorrow night my stomach will be 10000000000% EMPTY.

Brunch

I did really well this weekend/week. I was worried about New Year's Eve because I promised my friend we'd do dinner, but instead we went out for lunch. We shared a punch bowl of alcohol and a sandwich. Didn't even finish the fries between us. Afterwards, we decided we'd rather drink than eat. Something about liquid calories that makes me feel less guilty; well, as long as I'm not consuming solid food with it. So I felt good about that and the next day all restaurants were closed so I just had a small bowl of soup at home. Yesterday I had soup again and that was my only meal of the day. I really wanted to weigh myself this morning because I'm almost positive I dropped down to 117, but it was way too cold to strip down and I refuse to weigh myself with clothes on. My cousin picked me up and we went out for brunch. I told myself that since I'd done so well this week I wouldn't feel guilty about whatever I got, so I had eggs benedict and a hot chocolate.

Well, that was stupid of me. OF COURSE I was going to feel guilty! But I haven't had anything else and the cream in the hollandaise sauce sort of kicked my lactose intolerance into gear (sorry) so I guess that made me feel the slightest bit better. I hurt my knee on NYE so I haven't exercised since last time I posted, but I'm going to today. I've been walking a lot, including today, but exercising makes me feel a lot better.

If I wake up tomorrow at 117 I'll be SOOO HAPPY! And if not, I WON'T eat anything. Which might be difficult because I'm hanging out with my bf all day, but I'll come up with something. I really want to just keep losing, it feels so damn good.